May 4, 2020
Today is the first anniversary of arriving in Florida. I have lost so much over this past year. I have lost my marriage, my husband, my home church community, my work church community, Compassion Circle, Lydia Circle, my amazing Bethel coworkers, over half my retirement savings, my job, my health insurance, the family I thought I was part of, an author I never knew, friends who chose sides, the city I grew up in, being able to walk to the library.
Today I lost hope. I’ve struggled for almost a month now trying to file unemployment in two states with no progress. I can’t even call, when the message I get says, “the party you are calling is not accepting phone calls’ or even simply disconnects when I do get through. Today I logged on to healthcare.gov. I no longer have health insurance (again) and with zero income, I was not expecting this to be difficult. After completing the application, the best coverage I could get (with an $8100 deductible) would cost me $828/month. Today I was overwhelmed and lost hope.
With a few tears, and little motivation, I decided to give myself grace today. I probably won’t make my daily exercise goal; maybe just a day on the couch will be okay.
As one of my favorite songs says,
“I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you”
Today my army consisted of the loving voice of my daughter Wendy with her understanding and support. My new Florida friend Lorrie, calling to see how I am doing, the movie Inside Out which reminded me that sadness is part of life. Knowing I have a loving family that has caught me during all of these difficult times. I spent time remembering and reflecting on the love that propelled me forward a year ago. All the cards, gifts, emails, etc. that carried me forward into the uncertainty of my future. I still draw on all this expressed love towards me. Just as the woman who anointed Jesus’s feet with oil, poured out her love onto him before his journey into Jerusalem.
I found motivation to prepare roasted vegetables in the afternoon. I’m headed out soon into the sunshine and 90 degrees for a swim in the pool. Today, as I grieve losses, I rest in the loving embrace of many people who know and love me. I rest in the loving embrace of God, whose infinite perspective is unlimited by time and space, God who collects my tears, God who holds me precious. I look forward to the joy of tomorrow but today I give myself permission to grieve.
You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You're not defenseless
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
I hear…
Rescue sung by Lauren Daigle
Today is the first anniversary of arriving in Florida. I have lost so much over this past year. I have lost my marriage, my husband, my home church community, my work church community, Compassion Circle, Lydia Circle, my amazing Bethel coworkers, over half my retirement savings, my job, my health insurance, the family I thought I was part of, an author I never knew, friends who chose sides, the city I grew up in, being able to walk to the library.
Today I lost hope. I’ve struggled for almost a month now trying to file unemployment in two states with no progress. I can’t even call, when the message I get says, “the party you are calling is not accepting phone calls’ or even simply disconnects when I do get through. Today I logged on to healthcare.gov. I no longer have health insurance (again) and with zero income, I was not expecting this to be difficult. After completing the application, the best coverage I could get (with an $8100 deductible) would cost me $828/month. Today I was overwhelmed and lost hope.
With a few tears, and little motivation, I decided to give myself grace today. I probably won’t make my daily exercise goal; maybe just a day on the couch will be okay.
As one of my favorite songs says,
“I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you”
Today my army consisted of the loving voice of my daughter Wendy with her understanding and support. My new Florida friend Lorrie, calling to see how I am doing, the movie Inside Out which reminded me that sadness is part of life. Knowing I have a loving family that has caught me during all of these difficult times. I spent time remembering and reflecting on the love that propelled me forward a year ago. All the cards, gifts, emails, etc. that carried me forward into the uncertainty of my future. I still draw on all this expressed love towards me. Just as the woman who anointed Jesus’s feet with oil, poured out her love onto him before his journey into Jerusalem.
I found motivation to prepare roasted vegetables in the afternoon. I’m headed out soon into the sunshine and 90 degrees for a swim in the pool. Today, as I grieve losses, I rest in the loving embrace of many people who know and love me. I rest in the loving embrace of God, whose infinite perspective is unlimited by time and space, God who collects my tears, God who holds me precious. I look forward to the joy of tomorrow but today I give myself permission to grieve.
You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You're not defenseless
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
I hear…
Rescue sung by Lauren Daigle
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